June 22, 1997 -- So...back again, are you? Thank you...every little bit helps!

I was sitting in my room, staring at my 'puter and I realized it had been a while since I wrote anything. At the time I was uninspired and decided not to subject you poor folks to a "I work a lot" entry....so I waited.

But tonight I watched a PBS home video thing. Forgive me, it was 1 am. It was about DES, a drug that was given to pregnant women to help prevent miscarriages. The sick part is that they gave it to women to prevent miscarriages for twelve years after they found out that it didn't prevent anything. And, as an added bonus, it causes a rare form of cancer known as clear-cell cancer which affects the reproductive organs of the babies and it causes mutations and malformations of the reproductive organs. It was banned from use in poultry before it was banned from use in humans. That makes me feel really good about the government treating the water.

That wasn't the part that kept me interested though. The women themselves were. The woman who did the video amazed me. She had a hystorectomy at twenty-five, and made the video as a means of coping with the situation. She taped the first five years after the surgery (typically the most critical time for a reoccurance of cancer). Most of the video was amusing situations with her family, not her crying her eyes out over the surgery. She did cry, but she coped.

I hope I could be as strong as she was if that ever happened to me, but I can't even imagine it. You go to the doctor one day and bam! You have cancer, you'll never have children. You see, I'm nuts. I want to have a whole HERD of children one day....okay, maybe only three or four, but that's still a bunch! (If I was older, still with Brian, and ready to have kids, he'd be freaking out....he only wants two with whomever he convinces to bear his children. But we both want to live in suburbia so maybe we'll end up as neighbors! :::snicker::: Oh, man! I make it sound like I've got a dress picked out! Brian, I love you. I'm 19. You and I BOTH know I'm making examples and writing at 2am! Bad combination.)

But seriously....I don't know what I'd do. Probably freak out for a few years, then adopt. Or be the best childless aunt in the world. The best. Heck, what am I saying. I'm going to make a terribly adequate mother someday. I'm not the supermom type. I'll be the one who relutantly drives the carpool, but with a smile. I'll make pathetic attempts at sewing baby clothes. I'll be a nag like my mom (Already practicing...ask Brian!). But I'll really love any child I have. Natural-born, adopted, won in a raffle....any child. That's what really counts, right? That you love them and they know it. They love you, then they hate you, then they love you again (hopefully!). I just have to marry some guy that'll make a really awesome dad. Then I'll follow his lead as best as I can.