May 8, 1998 --

Please forgive me if this entry seems disjointed. If I proofread I may reconsider saying all this. But it's time it was all said. Even if it shames me.

I've been ignoring someone for a long time now. And he's surprised me.

I want to be honest with everyone. That's why I'm writing this.

I'm not a bad person. And I can't say I really know any bad people. Not honestly. I've thought some people I've known where bad people. But they aren't. They just aren't. They're hurt. And most likely rightfully so, if their anger is for why I think it is.

I establish a pattern of reaction. How a given remark will be rebutted by someone. How an act will cause someone to act. How someome reacts to a given stimuli. I watch over years, if given that much time. It's all scientific. As I've always been scientific.

I just watch. And give no stimuli if I can refrain. After the pattern has been developed I wait. For the right moment. For the right time to test it, so to speak.

I introduced the stimuli.

I am either answered with the expected, or the unexpected. It's that simple. Either they do what I think they'll do, or I'm surprised.

I was surprised.

My last entry was a joke. In all honestly I enjoy having things I've said laughed at. I am very bad at the delivery of jokes in real life. As funny as I may seem in these pages, I can quiet a room with my humor.

I expected everyone but one person to take it as a joke. I expected the same bloodly web war I talked about to be revived. I didn't WANT it to be revived, don't misunderstand me. But I had to test it. I was impatient after these years. I had to know, finally.

I expected a response like this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this.

None.

He laughed. I hoped for it. If I still had faith that was more than faith out of the fear of being wrong, I even may have prayed for it. I thought it would never happen. He laughed.

Nothing mean. Nothing vicious. Nothing. Just a laugh and a link.

I'm grateful. Surprised, but grateful.

I felt revived. Conclusion. It was over, finally. I finally felt like an adult. Forgiveness comes to those who wait. It takes time. And it'll take me some time to really believe it's over, I suppose.

You've been a thorn in my side for years. I hated you, or so I though. But I've always cared, if only in the shallowest ways. You've said things I thought I could be angry about for years. But I just wasn't.

Deep inside I suppose I always thought it was justified. If only to those who overreact. Just because I wouldn't hurt so much doesn't mean you wouldn't. I forgave you long ago for all the wrongs. All the betrayals.

I've been angry, but only on the surface. You needed to vent your anger somewhere. I understand that. I admire your courage for putting it all on the internet.

It all seems past now. I'm glad, I have to say. It was tedious at times. Annoying. Revolting. Immature. I was too proud and too stubborn to say anything.

I forgive you for all the betrayals. And I'm sorry for all the hurt.

I'm sorry I resented the way you needed to heal. I'm sorry I ignored you when I knew you where lonely. I'm sorry I shunned you when I knew you needed friends. I'm sorry I never confronted you when I knew you needed the fight.

In all honestly, I still don't trust you. You betray people everyday. I can't trust you. We could never be friends because of that simple fact. Nothing is sacred to you. Or so it seems.

All I ask is let's not be enemies anymore. We could better spend our time focusing on more positive things than hating each other. And my gut feeling is that you may have come to this same conclusion. Your anger is justifiable. As was mine. Even if I never would have deal with hurt in such a way, or for so long. You hurt more easily than I do, or than I understand. But that's the way you are.

Consider this my hand entended in truce, if only that.