June 20, 1998

The archives pages now feature a "Author's Favorites" *. This is so you can read the funny entries, or learn about the author (l'il ol' me!) without wasting your precious time reading her less entertaining entries.!

And so, our outrageous hero does ski, and comes to harm. As usual, don't you think? Here be the story. The Bay Tastes Bad, by Kathy

Note: The names of all mediocre drivers have been changed to protect their privacy. And no, it wasn't Brian's Dad. As far as I know, he's a fine driver.

It was a beautiful sunny morning...birds were chirping, the smell of fresh cut grass was in the air, and the mold count had gone down. With hay fever held at bay, our hero leapt to the floor, stomping a box of chocolates in the process.

"Damn"

And having said that, she ventures forth to the kitchen, hoping to procure a snack cake of some sort, or perhaps a bagel. The scene before her is grim. Two loaves of white bread and not a jar of jelly in sight. Again, out hero mutters her faithful battle cry and staves off starvation with a Hot Pocket. The oozing of the cheese and chicken is not long going before our hero determines something is amiss.

"Anybody home?" Our hero calls to the empty house. "You didn't leave without me, did you?" The cry from Younger Sibling is curt, and raises questions about our hero's competence, but she lifts her chin and marches on. After a quick beat-down, Younger Sibling is much more willing to disclose the wereabouts of the family. They have gone to purchase The Boyfriend a wetsuit. Mayhem ensues for a brief time before the family returns and all hasten to the launch ramp. After the rendezvous with the other skiing party, Mr. Winterthorpe, the family 'opens it up' and zips across the glassy brown water toward the skiing location. The Bay Constable puts a quick end to that, and lets the family off with a stern warning. After said stern warning, the boating experience goes smoothly and our hero is asked to be the 'watcher' on the second boat, driven by Mr. Winterthorpe.

After watching The Boyfriend ski for an undetermined amount of time, our hero is asked if she wants to go. She refuses, but is eventually talked into it. She dons the trick skis and vaults neatly into the bay, covering herself in the harmless, but extremely icky seaweed. She is unharmed. Once ready, Mr Winterthorpe immediately guns the engine of the tiny ski boat to approxiamately 35 mph faster than our hero is used to skiing. Had she a more considerable mass, this would not be such a problem, but given her state of lightness, she is promptly clotheslined into the briney deep. She emerges water-logged and gagging. She is harmed.

But, far be it from our outrageous hero to admit defeat so readily. She once again readies herself, with note to driver Winterthorpe that his takeoff was inordinately speedy. Round two of Our Hero versus Middle Bay. She loses promptly, rising out of the water at close to lightspeed, only to have the line torn from her water-logged fingers and be thrown face-first into the delectable brown water once more. She is further harmed. She briefly considers trying again, with the old adage, "Third time's the charm" running through her head, along with approximately seven gallons of salt water. It only takes a moment for her to decide that the charm would most likely work in the Bay's favor, and admits defeat. She allows herself to be exchanged for Mr. Winterthorpe's next victim.

Once aboard the familiar green ski boat, she whines in ernest. Sympathy is received in abundance as she is told how remarkable her falls were from the family's point of view. After drying out for a undetermined period of time, our hero impresses herself on the combo skis, concluding that her pummeling trip wasn't entirely her own fault. She feels vindicated, although is still suffering from indescribable pain in her right ear. She assumes it will pass with time.

And so concludes the tale.

At here I am, 1am...seven hours later and it STILL hurts. Oh...I didn't mention that mom drove for me on the combo skis, and I went over the grass. It was unique. There I am, motoring along at 28 miles an hour over water with two planks of fiberglass strapped to my feet, when what do I see below the surface of the water but grass, and lots of it. I promptly crossed back over the wake and my mother suddenly cut the engine. :::PLUNK::: I was unharmed, as was the boat.

In unrelated news, I saw the X-Files movie last night. It was pretty cool. It was a long X-Files episode with cool effects....but I wouldn't call it anything more than that. I liked it, but it was exactly what it called itself...The X-Files Movie. I was briefly irritated by that, but I learned to deal with disappointment.

The obligatory haiku of the day:

The Bay, unsafe place.
Would one be so pained on land?
No, certainly not.