So...anyone who thinks Kathy must be on crack, raise their hand.

I bet that would have looked like the freakin' wave in person.

Is my self-esteem problem showing again...shit, I thought I fixed that. But then my mother drove me to the bank and we discussed how awful the picture of me on the main index page is. I also explained part of my reason WHY it's so hideous. What kind of freak is going to think that picture is attractive enough to stalk me over, and at least if someone is GOING to stalk me I'll know they put in the time and effort to find the better pics on this site.

Well, not really...but it's good for scaring away some of the FREAKS that IM me lately. But what I said to my mother was "They'll never know how cute I really am by looking at that picture."

"You're not that cute."

From my own MOTHER!!! Can you BLAME me for my self-esteem issues over here? I know I'm cute...I also know I'm no model and centerfold is pretty far off too, but I AM cute.

"Hey hey Mom...easy on the self-esteem, I just got it polished!"
"I just don't want you to get too full of yourself..."
"Please, have I even been full of myself over my looks?

...

It's all starting again...I write enough that I can't tell my stories anymore. I went to the pool hall with Knoler and Timm to hang and...um, play pool...duh. I started to tell them about the scanner, and Timm says "Oh I know...I read your page." Ah...the horrible tragegy which online journaling introduced to my life.

::sniffle::

I'll just have to save some juicy stories until after I tell enough people in real life that I can cope, then write about it.

I tossed a counter and my little Showstats box back up on the main page. I'm trying to see how far off my logs are, and I'm a little better at reading a counter. ;) Gee, what does it mean when it says "3"? I don't plan to leave it all that long. Maybe just a month to get an idea...I don't really like counters, they make me feel pathetic.

Actually, I'm not entirely certain this counter is even CHANGING....damn...that's gonna be BAD for those self-esteen issues. It's almost like the Validation Meter, which has now been used enough to classify as a Capitalized Term Joke.

I will hopefully post this entry, the tweaked journal page, and the NEW index page at the same time...but don't be scared if I don't. I'm just not that reliable at times. Or that ambitious. I am lazy by nature, but it is usually counteracted by the hyperness...but with this little sleep I can't promise anything.

It almost seems like the longer I'm awake the less I want to go to bed at all. I have problems with crawling into bed and sleeping, because I never feel like I've accomplished enough during the day, and I try to make up for it at night. It's quiet, there's nothing better to do, and I'm plugging away at something on my computer. Such as screwing with my registry...which I fixed this afternoon and the 'puter ain't crashed since, thank you very much! It WAS crashing every hour or so for a few days. Enough to make me violent towards my computer. This one isn't afraid of the bucket of water. She starred blankly and mocked me.

Now you think I'm on crack. Baby, it don't work well with the heroin....

I've been listening to the four Tori Amos songs I own too much. I want to cover everything in baby blue fur, get pastel shag carpets and wear glitter all over. I want to leave my hair uncombed and pretend I'm a fairy. I want to have butterfly shaped hairpins and wear baby-tees.

This must be stopped...I should have brought home some Tool, or White Zombie.

When I sneeze, this monitor flickers. The cable is loose on the back of the computer and I don't care to tighten it. I'm just going to yank it out at the end of the week anyway...if it falls out again between then and now I'll just swear and stick it back in like before. I have a lot of cuss words to get through before that gets too old.

There's snow all over on Long Island. About four inches of great snowman snow, and I only went out to get my eyes examined and deposit a check. My car was parked on the street last night so this afternoon it was plowed in. Not too much snow, but about 8 inches smushed around the tires. I would have to dig it out if the snow hardened up. So I grabbed a shovel and started up digging, until Mom suggested I just drive it out.

"But I'm not going out until tonight, when it'll get cold and the snow will get hard to move."

She talked me out of it. "Nah...you'll be able to drive out of that." I looked at the snow around the tires and remembered the god-awful noise of the McDonald's cup scraping across the underside of the car in Binghamton last year. My car can't clear this snow, I thought....but I listened to Mom anyway.

Boys and girls, you can see it coming...far off in the distance, can't you?

I was meeting Timm and Brian for pool about 10:30. I set my alarm so I wouldn't be extremely late. 10:00 rolls around and I get myself all set to go, and mention to my Dad that I'm not only going to be on time, I'm going so far as to be EARLY.

"Don't you have to dig the car out?"

I don't curse in front of my father, but I was very close. I pulled out an ice scraper and grabbed the shovel from the backyard. It's not that much snow, I think to myself, I can dig it out in plenty of time and still get there early.

Crunch. My foot hits the snow in the back yard and only sinks about a quarter inch. It was all iced over and frozen hard. When I got to the back street where my car was parked, I try to stick the shovel in the snow beside the car to open the door and start up the engine. Clunk. It doesn't even pentrate the crust.

[Obscenity]

The shovel was about two shovels full away from useless. I was reduced to kicking the clumps of snow to pieces and tossing basketball- and softball-sized chunks of ice over my car. I tried to drive Squirt out. Got about halfway and the one front tire started to spin up in the air, so I backed up. More digging, more trying to pull out...lather, rinse, repeat. All in all, it took me about 40 minutes to dig it out. Needless to say, I did not get to the pool hall early, or on time.

And just to rub it in, Timm and Knoler had been there early and had been playing since about 10.

...

I know that I should go to bed now so I'll be less easily bothered by these things, but please...if I vent on the snow that's blocking my car in, I don't vent on people. It makes sense to me.